Цар, transliterated either as Tsar or Czar, holds the same etymology as Kaiser, which is ultimately derived from Caesar, or G. Iulius Caesar as he was known before Shakespeare’s time. Truth be told—I’m just looking for a pretext to play with my Cyrillic fonts. Still, I often ponder how I would run things if I were Czar of the United States.
For starters, I would immediately sever jurisdiction over alcohol from the ATF (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms). With no apology either to the NRA or the nicotine mongers at Altria, R. J. Reynolds and even the pseudo-holistic Natural American Spirit, there is no parallel between alcohol consumption and their lethal products. As a most perspicacious commentator (whose name eludes me) once noted, “it is the abuse of alcohol that is harmful, whereas it is the mere use of tobacco that causes its toxic effects.” To look at it from another perspective, the health benefits derived from moderate consumption of alcohol, and, in particular, wine, are well documented; try to cite any salubrious aspects to smoking. Or getting shot.
As Czar of the United States, I also would have put a complete freeze on the stock markets the moment the Dow hit 12,000. No movement, no trading, no evaporation of $4 trillion in capitalization. Meanwhile, I’d provide an opportunity for all the idle hedge fund managers, investment bankers, and stock brokers finally to accomplish something of genuine value to society. A true derivative of their worth, so to speak. Here is your hoe and your pail of asphalt. Imagine how pristine and pothole-free our city streets would be now!
OK, so perhaps it’s a bit hubristic to think I can run the entire country by fiat (after all, it’s not like I’m a 47-year-old neophyte). Maybe I should restrict my sights and simply aim to become Czar of California.
If I were Czar of California, I would immediately take steps to liberate us from the hegemony of the federal government. Be that establishing California as an autonomous province, à la Québec, or outright seceding from the Union. Washington, Oregon, British Columbia, even both states of Mexico’s Baja California would be more than welcome to join us (note that all these jurisdictions encompass significant wine-producing regions). On the other hand, Nevada would not be included, although I would annex all of the areas surrounding Lake Tahoe, even if it means ceding them Bakersfield as a quid pro quo.
Think of this as the West Coast’s risorgimento, and I, its Garibaldi. All I’d ask for in compensation would be a homestead on Angel Island. With WiFi access and 24 hour ferry service, of course.
As Czar of California, I would immediately restore the drinking age to an appropriate 18. Furthermore, I’d permit the service of wine at meals to minors at a family’s discretion, whether it be at home or in a public dining establishment. Readers will note the corollary diminished rate of alcohol abuse among societies that already have established this practice.
Again, I may be overreaching. Let’s therefore limit my sights to becoming Czar of California’s Alcoholic Beverage Control. As an autocratic reformer, I’d swiftly move to alter the hours alcoholic beverages can legally be served to 8 AM until 4 AM (as opposed to the current 6 AM-2 AM span). Where is the vibrancy of a cultural that has rolled up and is already beneath the bedsheets by the time Leno and Letterman begin their monologues? And do we really to have need folks pounding down boilermakers at 7 in the morning?
Another change I would implement would be to include all grape-based spirits within beer & wine licensing. So many of the wineries throughout the West Coast (Jepson, Bonny Doon, Germain-Robin, Clear Creek, Sonoma Valley Portworks, St. George Spirits, to name but a few) make extraordinary alambic brandies, eaux-de-vie and grappas—it is a considerable shame that these products cannot be served alongside the wines of our region.
Grappa, which, like Your West Coast Oenophile, is called Marc by the French, is produced by one of the earliest codified sustainable practices. The vinaccia (pomace) left over from the production of wine is fermented, then distilled to a level around 80°. Admittedly, grappa is an acquired taste, but it can be delightful as its production methods are laudable.!
There is a bar in San Francisco’s North Beach district that does not realize that grappa is not the same as wine and pours a glass as such. As this erroneous practice is an indulgence in which I partake not infrequently, I will not name the establishment here, for fear that I might disabuse them of the notion. However, it is fair to say that two 7 oz. glasses of grappa can give substance to any illusion (delusion?) of grandeur or otherwise.